hApPY! : D

ok so i realized today, when i was reading through my blog that:

i write a lot when i dont feel great.
i dont write so much about the happy things.
i need an even balance.
i should document happy. Its much more important.
i decided i need to start writing my happy moments to.
i think that is something i am going to do.

I love to write when i am not happy because it helps me to get out what is hurting inside, but i need to have an even balance so from now on i will. Yay for happy!

SMILE BIG EVERYDAY! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO NEEDS TO SEE YOUR SMILE :D

My love

I just want to shout to the world that i love my paul.
I love my johnny cash, my paul cutchins. He has been there for
me through so much. I love him with all my heart. When he asked me
to be his girlfriend we were sitting up in a tree. He carved our
initials in that tree and promised me he'd catch me if i fell.
And he has always kept that promise to me. he told me he loved me that night.
He is an amazing person. Right now he is on a mission, serving the Lord.
I am proud of him. I want to tell him thank you for everything.
Even though he can't hear me say it and he wont be reading this any time
soon, im telling him thank you right now. And i'm telling him i love him.

**Morning HIke Up rock Canyon**

So sadly we didn't get any pictures of this wonderful hike we went on, so i will describe it to you.

The next morning lya and i woke up and decided to take a hike up rock canyon.
It was about eight in the morning, and it wasn't too warm or terribly cold.
We hiked up a trail and as we got into the canyon, snow began to appear on the trail.
Epic. I lead the way and lya held onto my jacket for dear life. She was scared she would slip and fall to her death. But i being heroic and brave didn't let that happen and let the way. It was overcast outside and a slight breeze was blowing. There was a blanket of fog slowly moving through the canyon..it was so beautiful. Then it started to rain, just a slight drizzle. It was perfect. It was so peaceful and calm in the canyon. Lya and i hiked up to this cave and sat inside and watched the rain drizzle and the fog move. Fact? i think fog is the most beautiful thing. It is so peaceful and it demands to attention of people. That may not make sense to you, but i know what i mean. We had such a good talk about love and guys we like or have liked, yes we may possibly be hopeless romantics :]

Well all in all it was a lovely hike up into a dreary majestic canyon. Here is a picture of the canyon on a sunny day. so here's a challenge use your imagination. and imagine a drizzle of rain, a gray lonely sky and fog dancing through the canyon.

Lya Sleep Over! Plus a few little cousins.. : )

Little devon with his sword. Isn't he a heart breaker? P.s. if i had a picture of ange i would put it up. Just imagine the cutest baby and that would be ange :]

Lya-la making a funny face..she is awesome :]

So sometime..i don't remember when it was. My dear friend lya-la and i had a sleep over. It consisted of lots of junk food loud music. painting with our feet. Having fun. Talking about many things. And of course watching a chick flick. P.S. I love you to be exact. We had a grand time. And my two favorite (yes i know i said favorite, i can't help it..they ARE my favorites!) anyways, my two most very favorite little cousins came over. little devon and and ange. The are so cute. That night devon spiderman and peter parker. When i said hi to him he replied with, I am not devon! i am peter parker. I am spiderman. He is two. a red headed little ball of energy. I asked for a kiss he planted one right on my lips. He already knows how to work the ladies : ) Then little ange was content to make my share my goodies with her and stay on lap or in my arms if i wasn't sitting. She is so funny and cute :] I love them. It was a super fun sleep over. Lya is a crazy fun awesome person. I especially loved painting with my feet. It was grand. What a good night it was.

A Loverly monday trip to Subway && Borders

Well here is yet another thing i wanted to write about but havent till now.
I believe it was the last week of third term. I remember feeling slightly guilty about taking this much needed sarah nicole borders subway trip. I had much homework, but i decided it could wait because making memories with good friends is more important. here is the story.

Sarah came and got me after school. She drove. obviously. She showed up and i walked out to the car and got inside. Sarah was crying, she had been having a hard time.

IMPORTANT NOTE: It is so much more important to be there for your friend than to get that one thing done you wanted to..such as homework.

Anyways, she told me a few things that had been eating her up a bit. And i don't remember if i started crying to, but i told sarah somethings that had been eating me up as well. It was a good venting session and i loved it. Having someone there for you is a priceless gift. Everyone needs that someone they can go to.

Well we drove to one of sarah's favoritest places ever. Riverwood mall. I must agree that it is very nice there. We walked to subway and bought our wonderfully delicious sandwiches. Everything on it except olives and jalapenos. Nine grain for sarah and cheesy bread for me. We sat at our usual table and ate. yummy and satisfying. We talked about our men about life, future, blogging (yes we're both blog nerds) and about her favorite book. It is called the missing piece meets the big o. It is about well, basically being a happy independent person and about relationships and being a happy independent you. it is a great book. We sat in the poetry kids section of the store and Sarah read me her favorite book. it was grand. We had such a wonderful time and i am so thankful for my dear friend sarah. She is a wonderful person.

Talents

So the other day i was feeling slightly down.
i was thinking about how talented the people i know are.
My brother is musical genius and has the most beautiful voice.
My bestest friends have amazing talents as well.
Singing
writing music
playing piano
yoga
photography
art.
fashion
sewing
dance.

The list goes on and on. and i thought to myself what are my talents?

i can sing but im not a prodigy.
i can't play piano but i wish i could.
i don't have an eye for perfect pictures
and i am not a big yogi.
I dont sew or design...

All i could think of were things i couldn't do.
when i think of talents i think of the obvious ones.
talents like music
being smart
artsy.
stuff like that and i i don't have that.

Once upon a time i was really good at playing the flute.
like really good. but i didn't have passion..so i slowly stopped playing.

I was an amazing gymnast but in fifth grade i quit because i didn't have friends there at my gym. And i got laughed at once when i forgot part of my routine..

I feel like i've wasted two talents i was given. Mostly though,i feel like i've
wasted my gymnastics talent because i did love that.

But why are we sometimes given a talent for something were don't have passion for..
i don't understand. i liked flute well enough, but i didn't love it.
maybe i should have just stuck with it. maybe i didnt give it a chance.
I'm not really sure..

But i realized something, i do have talents even though they're not the obvious ones.
I am:
a good listener
a good friend
i forgive easily
i love to learn
i am very aware of others feelings.
i am a helper
i can be a support to those who need it.
i can say what needs to be said
i write poems
i write stories
i am trustworthy.
i am kind
i am excepting.

Maybe these talents don't scream out to everyone like other talents do.
But they are still talents and even though i can't show off or say look what i can do, they are still talents. And i should be grateful i have them. And maybe i can work on developing a few scream out loud talents. I was told i have many talents beyond compare, but i had trouble seeing them, now i see a few and along the road of life i will find more.

...third term murder....ick.

ok so i know third term is wayy over!
but i still have a little something to vocalize about it.

I HATED IT!!!

stupid. lame. useless. poopy. third term.

well so i about died it was disgusting.
i was so overwhemled and stressed!
i couldn't handle it!

wanna know something?
i actually even had one day where i did not
leave the school till eleven at night.
isn't that unbelievable?

personally, i think giving that much work should be illegal.

well that is my rant about that poop of a term called third.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE!! :D

~MEDITATION~

So forever ago on my birthday sarah beara took me to yoga with her.
and i LOVED it. granted i haven't done much yoga since, i really loved it.
It was grand and can be described by the following words.
happy
relaxing
freeing
empowering
energizing
peaceful
loving

so as you can tell, i really did love it. but one thing i loved most
was meditating at the end. It was a whole new experience.
I felt like everything. every little stress. every worry.
DIDNT EXIST
it was all gone for that little bit. and i was so at peace.
I was in the room soft music playing sitting palms up on my knees.
my legs were crossed. indian style. and my face was slightly turned up.
my breathing even and deep. i was in my own world. it felt wonderful.
breath in with the good out with the bad. focus on letting everything go.
and i did. i thought and released. and relaxed. it was heaven.
I STRONGLY RECOMEND TO TRY THIS.
it really helps and can be the best place to find peace within yourself.

Example? once upon i had a very hard day. i could not stop crying.
things were building up and i needed out. so i meditated and found peace
and solution to the things i coulnd't handle. It was so fufilling. Wonderful.

Meditation is good for the soul. try it. It is peace.

Ok sooo i have about a million unfinished blog posts...

Weeelll here it goes :]
this is MY attempt to finish the posts i only started..
but NEVER finished. I have many things
to write about such as:
MEDITATION
THIRD TERM MURDER
PONDERING ABOUT MY TALENTS
A LOVELY TRIP TO SUBWAY && BORDERS
A SUPER FUN SLEEP OVER
MY LOVE
A SPLENDID MORNING HIKE
&& HAPPY!!

OK so as you can tell we have quite a bit of ground to cover.
Here is the BIG question..
Are YOU ready?
I AM : )

Confusion and So many thoughts..

I NEED to get things out..
but sometimes i can't.
it builds up inside me
and screams inside but i can't..

I can't get out what needs to come out.
Especailly if i dont know what it is.
If I don't know whats screaming at me.
How do i get it out?

Today something is and has been building up..

The only way i can describe it.
Screaming
confusing
hard
aching..

Does it sound bad?
it feels not the greatest..

I have a confession.
i know EXACTLY what is screaming at me.
But i don't want to admit it.

So can i just write a letter to that screaming thing?
maybe it will leave me alone then.

Dear thing inside..
Please STOP trying to hide.
you leave me confused and aching.
sometimes it gets so bad i think my heart is breaking.
I thought maybe you left when i said goodbye.
Then you came into my life again just the other night.
breaking aching
confusing loosing.
lossing myself in the fight.
i want it even though i know its not right.
You make my world CHAOS every time you come.
Please just go away. let me run.
I said goodbye for a reason.
For a reason. for a reason.
I can't handle you
You take away my ability to choose.
I told you goodbye.
Please. leave me alone.
Just accept goodbye.
I need you to, cuz when you come around.
it KILLS me inside.