I Wish...

I wish that I could talk to Paul
don't get me wrong,i don't want him
anywhere but on his mission..

but i wish sometimes i could
talk to him.

Confession: i miss him soooooo much..

This past weekend i just wanted nothing
more than to talk to my Paul.

Today was a really hard day.
VERY scary.

Chelsea's Dad was going phsyco and
was trying to force her to come home
and the police got involved
and it was very scary.

In the end Chelsea got taken from
her family(my family)
and was FORCED to go back home.
not cool. since when is force
the way to go..it never makes
anything better.

My room feels naked.
I miss having
chelsea as my roomie..

Anyways..i just want to
talk to paul. but i will
be able to in two years!!
Thats not terrible at all.
Time flies bye.

Except on days like today.

I miss paul.
and i love to imagine
his hugs and kisses.

one more tangent? Sarah
Lya and i went on an adventurous
car ride for mozzerella sticks. yum.
We went to applebees. and..we sat down
and.. basically we then told the waitress
we were'nt sure if we were going to stay.

We told her we just wanted mozzerella sticks.

....She said in a rude voice,
"Well why don't you just go to I-Hop"

I'm thinking: Ihop has Mozzi sticks?!

haha she didn't like us very much.
i decided whenever i am mad
at someone i will just tell them to
go to freakin I-hop.

Anyways point of this story?
on the way i saw a billion and
one cars that only has one headlight.
and i kept hitting the roof and yelling
out, "YOU OWE ME A KISS!!!"
.........habit....

i confused sarah..she thought i owed her
the kisses..haha no! i was just
trying to yell loud enough for Paul to hear me.

I wish that i could talk to paul.
i wish that chelsea didnt get
forced to leave my house.
i wish that i could make time go faster.
i wish that...
i wish that...

I wish..

wishing doesn't get anyone anything usually.
and i cant really do anything about what i want
this time. So i'll stay content with all i have
right now. I'm a lucky girl.

My best friend

(FYI William Hilliam wrote this one..if you couldn't tell..haha)

Hello everyone, I'm just at school with my best friend in the whole wide world! His name is Will Hill... he's cute, and handsome, and rugged, and handsome, and handsome. Did I mention he was handsome? He is, and brown (at times). We just decided to skip class and sit on our butts in the library to 'blog' about things. Blogging is fun.. probably the funnerest thing I ever did do. He is handsome. Also.. ummm... that's it actually...

-OH! He wants to tell everyone hi so... HI (from will) ok.. bye..

Today..today i am ok.

So this past weekend was brutal.
I had a million things piled on me
all at once. And i was ready to
just break down..oh wait i did that.

But last night: My dad and i had an amazing
talk about everything that has been going
on in my life. He let me spill everything to him.
And it helped a lot.

Two days ago: Sarah and i did yoga in a park
and that helped. it was splendid, but after
the spontaneous yoga session ended i wasn't
feeling to great again..

Yesterday: Was awful, it was Tyler's funeral.
i couldn't go..i cried the whole day. i asked
john to tell me about it but he didn't..
i figured he wasn't going to when he said
he'd tell me later.

This morning: i wasn't sure how things were
gonna be. I wasn't happy, but i wasn't sad.
I wasn't very nice but i wasn't mean..as far
as i could tell it was a toss up. My day would
be either be good or bad...

The outcome? Today was a good day. finally.
I had a major work out in weight training.
and it made me soooooo happy! I found my
much needed medication. Exercise. : )
It was bliss.

Dear world, today was a good day.
I am feeling better, but it still
isn't honky dory. But im ok. and life
goes on. And i know Tyler is ok. World,
i feel happy today, with the slight tinge
of a not so happy weekend. that's all i
need to say.
Love, nicole

P.S. I have many posts to write
that are still in drafts, but
more important things came up
so i wrote about those first.
when i feel up to it, ill finish
all the lonely drafts that are
waitng to be read.

Dear blog,

I AM ALIVE.
But a am hurting
I AM ALIVE
and i am trying
to be happy.
slowly

slowly

slowly

I will be ok.

Love, Nicole

My talk: It Gave Me A Little Peace..

On Tuesday I got a call from brother young. He asked if I would be willing to give a talk on Sunday, I told him I would love to. He then asked what I would want to talk about. Without any hesitation I told him I wanted to speak on the atonement. This has always been one of my favorite topics and has always meant so much to me and it has always had a special place in my heart. But I didn’t realize how much more it could mean to me, until just recently. On March 19 2010 about three pm, there was a car accident. The driver fell asleep at the wheel while driving on the highway and drove off the road. The car rolled several times landing on its roof and ejected the driver and the passenger. The driver was pronounced dead on scene and the passenger was life flighted to the Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital in St. Louis. The driver of that car was one of my friends from Missouri. I lived there before moving here almost three years ago. My friend wasn’t a member of the church and didn’t live his life in the best way he could have. then before he knew it his life was gone. Just like that. Even though this has been so hard for not only me, but his other friends and family as well, I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the atonement and that because of it I now that everyone will have a chance to not only hear the gospel, but also return to live with our heavenly father. Because of the atonement, I know things will be ok. Because of the suffering our lord Jesus Christ went through, justice was satisfied, and it enabled all of us to have the opportunity to gain eternal progression and return to our heavenly father. As M Russell Ballard said, “There is no greater expression of love than the heroic Atonement performed by the Son of God. Were it not for the plan of our Heavenly Father, established before the world began, in a very real sense, all mankind—past, present, and future—would have been left without the hope of eternal progression.” Because of the fall of Adam and eve, we were all separated from God and we all would always be separated unless there was a way found to break the bands of death. This required one who was sinless before others and could take on all the sins of mankind. this required one who would be willing to give a great sacrifice and suffer for all the sins of every single person who lived on this earth. This holy and sacred thing could only be done by our savior Jesus Christ. He willingly and courageously fulfilled this needed sacrifice In Jerusalem so long ago. It was in the garden of Gethsemane that this courageous selfless act took place. As he knelt by the twisted branches of that olive tree, he prayed mightily to his father in heaven that if there be a way to release him from this cup. But none the less, thy will be done. It was there by that twisted olive tree his disciples fell asleep while he did the greatest thing ever known to man. As he took on the sins of this world for every person who ever did or would live on this earth, he bled from every pore. So great was the pain he endured. But only he was qualified to do this great task and only he would be willing to. He loved us so much he suffered for every sin ever committed and satisfied the demands of justice for each sin. It is said that had any other mortal man tried to do this great task, he would have died not being able to handle the pain. What some may not realize however is that not only did he take on all of our sin, but also all of our emotional sufferings, every heart ache suffered every tear cried he felt exactly as we have. He endured the trials and tribulations that were set into our lives. He experienced spiritual anguish as well. There is not one thing our lord has not felt that you or I have suffered. He knows everything we have gone through and everything we ever will go through. Every doubt every sin every heart ache every feeling of being alone...he knows exactly how we feel and because he has experienced our sufferings, he can be there for us when we need comfort he can give us empathy and peace. He can give comfort for anything you or I have or will endure in this life time. Because of this great atonement, we are never alone in anything life sets before us, the Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost can be a constant companion and comfort to us if we allow them to. If anything seems too hard or know one seems to understand what you are going through I promise you that our savior will. Pray for comfort and for love and for peace because he will give it. I know that. I can testify of that. Our lord suffered willingly so we could be washed clean. M Russell Ballard said, “through having faith in Jesus Christ, repenting of our sins, being baptized by proper priesthood authority, receiving the purifying gift of the Holy Ghost by confirmation, and accepting all other essential ordinances. Without the Atonement of the Lord, none of these blessings would be available to us, and we could not become worthy and prepared to return to dwell in the presence of God.” These sacred ordinances mentioned: baptism by proper priesthood authority, receiving the gift of the holy ghost, and accepting all other essential ordinances, are not only available to the members of this church, but those who have gone before us and have not had the opportunity to receive these ordinances can. Because of the work in the temple, baptisms for the dead and endowments, not one person will go without the opportunity to receive these ordinances and be able to come into and dwell in the presence of god. Our heavenly father will not let one son or one daughter not have the opportunity to receive a chance to recieve these sacred needed ordinances that are neccessary in order to dwell with him again. He loves us so much that he will to all in his power for us to return to him. Jesus our lord and savior loved us so much that he provided a way for us to be with our father again. Their love for us is matchless and pure and undying, there is not anything we could do that could corrupt that love. The atonement, as said before, was the greatest expression of love every to have been done. The atonement however, did not end in the garden of Gethsemane, Our lord, as M Russell Ballard put it, “endured the agony of inquisition, cruel beatings, and death by crucifixion on the cross at Calvary” It was there on that cross that the presence of his father had to leave him and it was there that he felt what is was like to be 100% and totally alone for some of us would experience that as well. ” It was there on that cross that he cried out, My God My God why hast thou forsaken me? ” It was there on that cross that he cried out, My God My God why hast thou forsaken me? He was then pierced in his side and the darkness fell upon the world. For it was done. This sacred ordinance and great expression of love for us was done. He suffered bled and died for us. The hymn I stand all amazed always comes to my mind when i think of this great atonement. It says:
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me
Oh, it is wonderful
Wonderful to me
I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify
I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding to pay my debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Secure in the promise of life in his victory
Thus ransomed from death I will live to my Savior's praise
And sing of his goodness and mercy through endless days
Because of this atonement, none of us ever have to endure anything alone. Because of this wonderful atonement I know my friend will not be denied a chance to live with our god again, because of this atonement I know that we will all have to chance to return to our father above. Because of this great atonement, I know of the matchless love our savior and heavenly father had for each and every one of us. I to stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. I am so grateful for the atonement because it has given me and everyone else who has lived or will live a chance to be in the presence of our father again. I know this with all my heart and soul

Dear World...

Today is hard.
Today is hard.
Today is hard.

Can i just say that a million and
one times for every person who has
had a hard day today?

I have friends here in Utah who
are having a hard time..
whether it be family trouble,
worries, school, or self issues.

I have friends in Missouri who
are suffering because of the
death of a friend.

I wish i could be a million
places at once to help them all.
Life can be so confusing and hard.
It is such a fragile thing and
death brings that reminder.

One minute some one is here
and the next they are gone.

Dear world, lots of us
are having a hard time.
Life is so fragile..
and it hurts every time
we are reminded of that.

I want you to know i am having a hard time.
I want you to know my friends are having a hard time.
I want you to know that we all are having a hard time.

My heart hurts very badly.
My eyes want to cry.
But it's hard to cry.
I've been crying so much it
feels like there is no more
tears left inside.

Dear world, today is hard.
Love Nicole

Tyler J. Warne, 18, was killed in a one-car crash on Interstate 255, Illinois State Police Sgt. Bill Moseley said. Warne's last known address was at his parent's house in Manchester, Mo.

The crash was about 3 p.m. Friday on northbound I-255, just before the Collinsville Road exit. The 2008 Mazda car drove off the east side of the road and down a small embankment, Moseley said. The car rolled several times, landing on its roof, and ejected the driver and passenger.

Warne was pronounced dead at the scene by St. Clair County Coroner's officials.

The passenger, a 17-year-old Ballwin, Mo., man, was flown to Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital in St. Louis.

At the time the passenger was taken to the hospital, he had serious, but non-life threatening injuries, Moseley said.

Today:March 20 2010

Dear Blog,

Today I feel like crap.
i've laid in my bed all day.
i've cried and i swore.
Today is hard. I just
wanted you to know that.

Love Nicole

P.s. Tylers funeral is on tuesday.
i wish i could go. But i'm
here. So i'll be there in
heart..

For Tyler Jacob Warne

Here are the links to the accident report:

http://www.fox2now.com/news/ktvi-collinsville-rollover-fatal-031910,0,7943892.story

http://www.kmov.com/news/local/Roll-over-crash-on-I-255-kills-driver-injures-passenger-88691287.html

For My Friend..I'll Miss You Always.

Have you ever wondered why people cry when someone
dies even though we know they're in a better place?
I wondered that today. I cried today and i couldn't
stop it.

In life, people die. It's a part of life we
all know so well.
.....
....
.. You hear about a friend of a friend
who has died, or you hear about a
person in your school you didn't know.
....
....
But sometimes, the person who died
isn't a friend of a friend.
They're not some person you never knew.

Sometimes: Sometimes: Sometimes:


....Sometimes that person is your friend.

What do you do then. What do you do when it is your friend.

I cried today. I cried today and i couldn't stop.
I was at work when i got the news.
Tyler is dead.
I said no. i said it wasn't true.
Then it sunk in.
Hurt..
disbelief..
pain..
tears..
questions..
heart ache..

I ran into the bath room and cried.
i sat on the floor in the bathroom and..
i cried. I was shaking and i couldn't
breathe. I couldn't take it in.

This wasn't someone else anymore.
This was my friend.

I didn't want to believe it.
But it was true.
I left work early and i sat in my car.

I talked to kenna on the phone and i wasn't ok.
I talked to sarah and i wasn't ok.
I cried

I cried and i screamed.
I hit my steering wheel..
and i screamed.

I drove and the tears nearly
made me blind. I drove to the
temple. Sat and i thought.
I listened to Creed: Six Feet
Over
Over
and
Over

I drove again. I had to stop.
I went up to the view, and i thought.

It's crazy how different things become
when it happens to you.

This was my friend this time and i never thought it would happen to me.
Not this early not now.

Car accident: A roll over.He was thrown from the car and died on scene.
His friend was with him. He is in the hospital with serious
injurys. From what i have been told, he fell asleep at the
wheel..He was only 18..


...How is that fair.

But we are only human. We can't see the big picture.
Why things like this happen i don't know.
Its so hard. so hard. so hard.

But God knows best..i just pray he'll help
me with the pain.

TYLER WARNE: a letter to you.

Dear tyler,
Thank you for everything. We were best friends in
8th grade you told me so, remember? you molly john and kenna?
You four were my BEST friends back then. we did so many things
together. Bombs, basket ball, hangin out everyday football in
the summer? Remember that one time you tried to get me to go
to 8th grade dance with you? We were playing basket ball and
you told me if you made that shot i'd have to go to the dance
with you. You made it, but i still said i wouldn't take you.
Then you got your mom in on it. Remember playing with Sydnie &
Austin? You were the most wonderful brother to them. They
loved you so much. We told eachother a lot. You were first
to know my secret.I came to you when i needed help and you came
to me. I hated it when you smoked. and you tried to quit im happy
you tried for me. Thank you. Did you know i never thought i'd be
writing somehing like this? But here I am. And your gone. Im left
with memories and they're great memories. We never stopped talking.
Even after i moved. You helped me with so much those years. I am
so proud of you for making an effort to change and you did. You would
have been a great dad. You are missed and i miss you. God is taking
care of you though. So thank you God, he's a great person. Tyler i love
you buddy.
Love, Your friend.
Nicole LaRee Roberts

**Music is Soul Food**

First: I LOVE music with all my heart
&& all my soul. I love singing and i
love being part of a choir.

Shenandoah
Lamentations of Jeremiah
Ave Maria
Come Thou Fount

These are some of my favorite
songs that i have sung in
Accapella. They are so amazing.

Music has the power to get into
the soul and bring out emotion
that cannot be expressed in words.

I love music so much and
i am so thankful there is
such thing as music.

It is the ultimate emotion stirrer..
If that makes sense.. :]

I listen to all kinda of music!
Everything!
Piano && guitar are great :]
I love every genre.
Yesterday i was listening
to some intense Bob Marley.
He touches my soul.
I love it all!

Music can speak for me
when i don't know how to
say or express my feelings.

It speaks when i am happy
sad
angry
hopefully
doubtful
hurt
or 100% in love.

Music digs into the soul.
It gets into the heart and
there is music for everyone.

I love music.
The End :]

Those Things Called High heels**

So today.. i HAD to dress up. It was
for professional development for my
medical principals class. Dont get me wrong..
I love being dressed up.

I LOOKED SOOOO CUTE! I WAS BAM!

but..its those dreaded things that were on
my feet that killed me..

I love high heels. They are sooo cute
and i love how they look, BUT

They SUCK HARDCORE! i cant stand to wear them.

I see them at a store.
i think there so cute.
i have to have them.
i wear them.
and hate myself for buying them.

I think to myself being cute is not worth this much pain!!!!
(should I add more explanation marks?!)
In truth they are just a mans bloody invention to make:

a womans butt and legs look BUH-BAM.

I hate those cute retched shoes that
make my feet and back hurt..but there
so dang cute. what's a girl to do..

Day one--FIghting the battle: No cover up

Last night: i decided i would no longer let
my skin bother me..it knew it would be hard.
and right now I'm still self conscious.
but today i took the first step to completely
obliterate and destroy the one thing that brings
down my self esteem.

Truth: i didn't wear any cover up at all today

naked skin.

I made sure i was very cute to compensate for the lack
of perfection on my skin. I had a dress on. purple. black shrug.
flower pinning my shrug together in the front. and high heels
curled wavy
hair. and eye makeup that was done just right.

When i looked in the mirror i told me self: You are beautiful.
I knew: i am beautiful. My skin is going to heal.
and i will no longer suffocate it with cover up.

I walked into my first class: fear.
What are people going to think.
I feel naked.
Am i pretty despite my skin?

Answer: yes i am. god does not make ugly children.

Beauty comes with every skin type. shape. size. and look.
Society tells us what we should look like and what is beautiful.
Now its my turn to determine what is beautiful. not society.

I DARE TO BE DIFFERENT**I DARE TO TELL THE WORLD WHAT BEAUTIFUL IS.
EVERY GIRL NO MATTER HER AGE IS BEAUTIFUL DESPITE
SIZE OR SKIN. BEAUTY IS IN EVERYONE. I DARE TO QUESTION SOCIETY.

God does not make ugly children. Look in the mirror and KNOW you are beautiful.

Day one: success. Five people told me i was pretty.

Fact: I will win this battle

. . .me & my skin--the on going battle. . .

Fact: my skin has bothered me for as long as i can
even remember. since seventh grade to be exact.

Fact:It has been the hardest thing for me to deal
with and is the only thing about me i have truly hated
at times

Fact: It has at times (not indefinitely) made me come to the conclusion
i am not beautiful. and that if only i had beautiful
skin then i would be beautiful.

Fact: I have let my skin control how i feel at times.

Fact: I've been called ugly a few times in six years.
only one time was someone serious. But i took every single
time in as if it were true. and i believed it.
and i blamed it..on..my skin.

--It's those nasty putrid little red things, that keep
in mind everyone gets at one time or another, that i have
fussed over and let control my confidence for a long
time. I have this memory..i know it undeniably well.
8Th grade..i get to school. run to the bathroom.
I NEEDED make-up. (or so i thought) I looked in the mirror.
ugly..the only word that i could think of. Make up.
somewhat better. not good enough. The thought: if only
i had perfect skin, then i would be pretty.

"if only i had perfect skin, then I'd be pretty."

Truth: I don't have perfect skin.

*I have let my confidence and self esteem ride a
roller coaster filled with ups and downs. I have always
loathed looking in the mirror when my face is broken out
&& naked. I have tried countless numbers of things to try and make
them disappear. did it work? no.

Truth: My zits still bother me.

Truth: I plan to win this battle

For starters make up may cover zits up, but it
begins an endless cycle.
zit-cover up-pores clog-more zits-more cover up.
solution: stop the cover up.

--I have always thought i was pretty, as long as i had make up
I am a very confident person and my self
esteem is way up there, when my make up is on.
Most don't realize that nicole roberts has had one weak spot
in her circle of confidence and self esteem.

However fixing my issue with my skin is not as easy as it seems. Because i feel so
naked and ugly with my face exposed. I am literally addicted to
covering any red zit that makes my face its home. But today as i
was looking in the mirror. I decided that i am going to completely
destroy and obliterate the only weak place in my self-esteem && confidence.

Truth: God does not make his children ugly.

Truth: Zits happen to everyone

Truth: I KNOW i am beautiful, but for the longest
time i have let acne determine whether i
think i am beautiful or not.

Tonight: i apologized to my skin for endless abuse.
For six years it has been caked with all sorts of zit
cover up remedies. as i washed my face with a warm clothe,
my skin rejoiced to be able to breathe. I then looked up into
the mirror. I then decided i will try to finally tackle this
ongoing battle of hate for my skin. My skin isn't as horrific as
i make it out to be. So i am going to try to fix this one weak
spot in my circle of confidence. I am going to try and slowly get
myself comfortable in the skin i am in..with out make up. It's time
to let my skin heal and breathe.

Truth: i am scared out of my mind to let people see a plain face.
It will be VERY hard. I am going to try.

So here is trying to make up years of suffocating my skin and being
self conscious about it. It will end soon. I am going to win the battle
i have been fighting with myself. It may take time, but here's to trying..



--Here is me with no make up. My skin was good that day.
But it can be bad. believe me.

dear world,
here i am, make up free. i dare to be different.
I dare to overcome my one self esteem problem and i am going to
begin to love the skin i am in.
Love, nicole

*HaNdDs*

Today- my hands helped me hike up a mountain
They helped me make breakfast && lift
my little sister into the car.
My hands worked hard at work
today && helped me help about a
dozen or more people.

In the Past- My hands have hit.
They have refused to help
when help was needed && have pushed
People down. They have been used
to cause destruction and hurt others.

**I've never thought about my hands much until--
today. When i was climbing up a mountain. The thought
occured to me that if it didn't have my hands,, climbing
this HUGE mountain would be simply immposible.
I then realized how thankful i am that i have hands.
they do so much for me. so THANK YOU hands! I'd look so silly
without my hands to, and there are people who don't have
hands so i'm so grateful i have them.

I have used my hands for awful things in the past..
not good--not ok
So i want to make a true effort
from now on.
to use my hands for good. That's
what my hands are best at.
MY HANDS: are good at a billion and one things

I am going to use them for those billion and one things..
that they are good at. ALWAYS

I am grateful. That I. Have hands.

I Started a Blog

So this is my first post..ever.
i"m very knew to this and i believe that it was the worst
pain in my butt trying to figure things out. i still
am pretty clueless..but alass i did it.
with the help of lya. she's great. I'm super excited
to blog..i have many thoughts already i want to spill out
onto this page. So here's to blogging:
Dear blog,
we have just met. i am going to be
writing on you quite frequently
i hope you don't mind. I think it's
nice to meet you. I hope you feel the same
way. I think were going to become good
friends. I hope you think so to
From,
Miss Nicole LaRee Roberts

P.S I put up a picture of me so you
know exactly who i am