Thursday, April 29, 2010

dear blog,

i have a lot on my mind this day,
i had a great day, i really did. I woke up
and went to school and it was good, no complaints.
I'm slowly but surely getting more and more done with
all the school work I've been procrastinating on. In
seminary we talked about the Book of  Mormon.
We talked about how much it means to us.
We watched Jeffery R. Hollands talk on the
Book of Mormon he gave at the last October
General Conference.. it made me cry. it really touched me.
I can never doubt that book ever. It means so much to me,
and i know it's true. I came home and checked the mail..
I'm such a nerd i get so excited to check it's
such a habit i even will check it on Sundays..even though
no mail comes. No letters today but that's ok. I haven't mailed my
letter yet because i don't have his new address. I'm waiting.
I hope he doesn't mind. I went to my internship and got some
homework done but there is nothing to do at internship anymore.
We only have three patients in right now. Which is good, but..
that leaves nothing to do. When i got home from internship i got in shower.
And let hot water wash over me and i just thought..about so many things.
About life and how it can be so hard at times but so good to. I just remembered
so many different memories and they flooded my mind. I thought about all
the guys I've ever fallen for..and what happened with each guy. I thought about
Paul and the two before him. And i thought about each of them, and i thought
how much I've grown up. The years I've left behind. What have done with them.
Who have I become? I thought about my Paul and how much i miss him, but how
happy i am that he chose to be where he is. Then my hot water ran out
and that's always poo...i got out and just sat in the bathroom thinking.
Forever it seemed. Today life, the past, and the future was just eating
away at my mind. It wasn't bad, but it put in an a very weird mood..I thought
about Paul so much, and my friends. and where I'm going in life. Well,
I just got really down, after thinking so much which doesn't make much sense. I was
thinking about things and they weren't sad at all, but actually I did start to miss Paul
a lot..i looked threw the pictures he gave me, they make me laugh :) he is such a cutie.
I'm so lucky. But i did miss him today, I went and bought myself juice and mango's as
treat, and that helped :) as food usually does. I need to get out of that habit or i might
look roly poly one day. is good. I am happy and i feel so content with things.
Yet there is so much mystery in the life ahead of me and the still so much i can learn
form the past that's behind. On days where i just think, i learn. and i wonder.
and i like days today, even though i missed my Paul. a lot. It was still good.
and i know that everything is always going to be ok and i have so much to
look forward is so terrifying, but exciting at the same time. It's wonderful.
its scary but i love it, the hard the good, the sad, the happy, everything.
i love life. and I'll never give it up. Dear blog, i want you to know i love life.
everything about it. And I'm grateful for all that i have. Thank you life. for being
so good to me, we had some rough times and we'll have rough times ahead to,
but I've enjoyed my ride so far. So thanks,
love always and forever,
Nicole LaRee Roberts

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


well..i just thought i give an update of random facts.

  • i am abnormally scared of the dark..just recently.
  • school is kickin my butt
  • i miss Paul (that's a usual)
  • i am currently off sugar..we'll see how it goes.
  •  i ran the mile in 10:52 that needs...well improvement
  • i am so ready to be done and graduate..
  • i slightly think the BYU-I dress code is weird..
  • and...i think my friends are dandy.
  • and..yesterday i got asked five times if Sarah and i were sisters
  • i also got mistaken for Sarah
  • i need to go job hunting ASAP..
  • ummmm that's it! 
  • life is good..haha but school sucks..
The End!!

Monday, April 26, 2010

ok, well i want to talk about lots...

today was a good day
i spent the night with sar bear
Saturday night...
and it was sooo good.

here is the extent of it.
she came and got me
we went back to her house
went down to her room
got in her bed
and talked. about things
about life and such.
we both cried a bit.
but talked a lot.
i hugged her and scratched
her back and stuff.
and i loved being there.
i seriously was so happy
i could be there for her.
and that sarah and i are great friends
its a good feeling, knowing you
have a great friend. so thanks sarah,
for being that great friend :)

and then at a little before nine we turned out
the lights and layed there. talking. but slightly
starting to fall asleep. by the time eleven
came around we both were out. and it
was a great sleep over. i was happy to be there.
and happy to talk to sar bear. then..

at six in the morning her alarm goes off..
eff...i am hoping she'll get up to turn it off
i look over and her mouth is hanging open
and she was dead asleep. so i got up and hit the off
button. only to find out...five minutes later it was the snooze.
got up and unplugged the alarm. only to find out five minutes
later...its battery powered to.. so then i finally found the "real"
off button and got some decent sleep, until an hour later,

my alarm goes off
i get up and put on
a lovely dress that made
me feel like spring.
white with blue flowers.
my parents got it for me.
and i love it.

then i woke sarah up and
she took me to my church.
on the way we attempted to
call mike and sing happy
birthday to him but the ring
more so sounded like this.

la la la pffchhhkblahhh la la
hello? laaaaa shhhmmmkkkk

sarah and i were confused.
then we here a: hey sexy.
so we start singing happy birthday
only to her the pffchhhkkklaa again.
so that failed. then i ran into the church building
and a lady talked about temples
then a dude talked about priesthood.
then the choir sung....and i slept on lu's shoulder.
bad i know...but hey! i was still listening :)
then after sacrament launa came and sat by me and lu.
we decided to adopt her as our temporary sister cuz
her sissy is at byu.. then during class launa and i decided
for the 4957497564649 time we need to start bringing food.
well see how that goes haha...then off to relief society!
(every fourth sunday we go to relief society)
and launa kp and i had a contest to see who could
suck on a smarty longest...launa lost kp won. it was epic :)
we then had the best lesson about prayer
i learned:
  • sometimes our prayers aren't answered when we think we need them answered
  • sometimes we dont always get a burning feeling or a definite no.
  • sometimes God doesn't answer us on the most important things because he trusts we'll make the right decision and it will be ok.
  • God isn't going to leave us hanging, if we TRULY want to know something and are sincere, persistent and humble and listen for an answer and do all we can to be able to hear, we will hear eventually.
  • prayer will always be there for us to talk to God and he'll always listen.
good lesson eh? i thought so. then i after church, i took a nap and tried to do homework.
then the nap worked out but the homework didnt. I talked with my mama about personal progress and played with kittens to. I then got a text from Marianne and i went over to go see her and the fam and giver her her birthday present (A cd with good piano/guitar music and chocolate) that was a month and a billion days late. but im glad i finally got it to her :) and we got to talk about life and paul and such. it was so good for me. i was so happy to be able to just talk. and admit that i want to fast forward life, and be done with school, how i want to go to senior ball so i can have my pretty night but i know that i probably won't be going...and that im having a hard time getting work done, and that i am so unsure about what i want to do..things like that..and paul of course. and i got to see pauls favorite little cousins he talks to me about all the time! they're very cute. Anyways. Marianne and i talked about how burnt out i am to..that one brought some tears. We talked about paul a lot and just P.S. i am so happy i got to talk about paul because everyone else is soooo sick of me talking about him! So i'm glad i can talk to Marianne about him. it's happy-making. it was a good hour and a half or more of talking. Then i drove home and helped with dinner, cleaned the kitchen and went downstairs and prayed to have help with getting some work done,  and guess what i did. Not a lot, but some. and thats a start :)
now here i am..up at one in the morning bloggin about my day, and i still have so much i want to talk about. I need to talk about friday: sarah and i had a great sleep over, so fun! (she already blogged about it) and i want to talk about how on monday sarah and i skipped eigth and went to a park and sat on some rocks the were in the provo river and how sarah peed in the river...epic and little kids were around that we didnt see..hahaha. and how we talked and tried to do a bit o' yoga in the grass that was so soft and plush and GREEN! how it was so sunny out and how beautiful it was. how relaxing it was. I wanna talk about how i got sick for two days...i need to blog about morp about hot tubbing and so much more..but now its one officially...andi NEED sleep. i love the world though. and i am happy. Goodnight world sleep tight. oh! one more thing: whenever i miss paul and i see the moon, i realize we're not that far away from eachother at all. he's looking at that same's kind of a comforting fact. ok world
now i go to bed..sleep tight and sweet dreams :)

P.S. I love my blog music.
P.S.S. I love how paul writes his P.S.'s in my letters..then puts a P.P.S. instead of P.S.S :) i laugh everytime. i love it.

Friday, April 16, 2010

hey world guess what

so i still have many posts that need posting..i'll do that later..
i'm reading the ugly series right now and it is AMAZINGLY good.
i highly recommend it. and i skipped school today.
i had a bad dream, woke up at five, feel asleep after my last alarm.
soo i didn't wake up till eleven. anyways i started a new blog thats just for me.
i am happy about that. and can i just say..i hate how expensive gas is?!

it is very ridiculouse..its like three bucks or more for one gallon..
pretty ridiculous i say.

oh ps..saria got a cell! yay!
and? sarah was in my dream..
and it took place in saint louis.
and i need a basket ball..mine got stolen..
kinda my fault..but i am gonna get a new ball

alright. hope you like the news update..wasn't too eventful but there ya go!

Love always, nicole

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

To My Blog.

well i am supposed to have studied for a test..
i should have studied for this other test too..
but i didn' i didn't go to my internship
i had every intention to study for the test that
so desperately calls for study time.
but i didn't study..and im 30+ hours behind
in hours for my internship..ohh dear...
this shall be interesting..but despite me not doing
anything. i feel so peaceful and calm and ok.
thanks to yoga. i did yoga today for the first time
since sar bear took me. It was soo good. i had almost
forgot just how good yoga is..

So on a side note, yesterday i blew my top.
my sister has a tendency to take my clothes
and wear them with out asking. I have asked her
millions of times to please ask..but she never has.
It is frustrating. I have talked to her asked nicely
yelled got upset ect. ect. ect... and yesterday she
walked up to the house in..
my pants
my tank top
my shirt..
all asking involved..she just took.
I was furious. she walks in the door.
"Melissa you didn't ask"
I know i know"
"Go put it all away now"
"All right fine!"
Tension building.
The thought enters my mind..
take all her clothes and hide them

(I have threatened to do this before)

This time i did it. Even though this little voice told me not to..
She is coming.. she walks in her room and i made a snooty comment.
"have fun getting dressed"
She finds them..
"Have fun putting it all away"
She replies..
"Have funny putting it all away." mockingly.
I go down stairs. guilt sets in. i think..Nicole you jerk.
P.S.? it was not satisfying and all in the least..
I got mad at myself..i went upstairs and started helping her
as i was helping i was just going on and on to her
in a not so friendly upset voice of how she has no respect for me.
She never listens to what i ask her do to. blah blah ...
at least thats how it sounded to her. Then i asked her in again..
an upset voice what can i do to get you to listen..
In a VERY SNOTTY voice.."i don't know.."

Top blown.

I took all the clothes i folded and put away and threw them angrily on the ground
and slammed the door..

i run into my father.
"Hello nicole"
"what are you up to?"
"where to"
my internship
"are you ok"


SHE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME OR MY REQUESTS....blah de blah de blah..
dad says "nicole calm down"
dad says "its only hurting you to be this up set."
tears streaming down my face
yelling at the top of my lungs still
angry and upset


then i leave. sit in my car. and bawl my eyes out.
I get to my internship and call her about ten times.
she wont talk to me. i cry more. i feel awful.

talk about about crazy unnecessary things said and done.
How immature and childish of me to do..all building from that one little choice
to seek revenge. it was stupid and did not even feel satisfying. it was stupid.

i felt horrible. like the biggest jerk around.
she;s my little sister..the thought crosses my mind.
"i bet she hates you now"

i get a text from my dad..
"i dont know what you said but i have never
seen her cry this hard ever"


I call her again..finally she talks to me.
I say sorry and that when i get home her and i are leaving.
she says ok.

so i go home and she gets ready and we leave.
silence in the car. music in the backround.

finally i say a brief sorry..and so does she.
then it spills. im sorry! i was snooty! me to!
i surprise her with getting ice cream. we laugh together.

Forgiveness : )

We laughed and talked and laughed.
then we went to the pet store.
first wall mart. bad service.
we leave. and get McDonald's.
yum..but so bad for you.

Then we get to pets mart and she picks out two crabs and gets to hold a snake.
she is happy and so am i. we visit our Mommy at work on our way home
crawl up to her desk and wave a feather duster around to catch her attention.
she comes over laughing. :)

then back home.

lesson learned. NEVER ever ever again will i overreact so bad. its awful
and it makes me feel like a jerk.
..i need to always remember that.
i love her more than anything ever she is MY little sis.
time to be the big sister she deserves 100% of the time.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

hApPY! : D

ok so i realized today, when i was reading through my blog that:

i write a lot when i dont feel great.
i dont write so much about the happy things.
i need an even balance.
i should document happy. Its much more important.
i decided i need to start writing my happy moments to.
i think that is something i am going to do.

I love to write when i am not happy because it helps me to get out what is hurting inside, but i need to have an even balance so from now on i will. Yay for happy!


My love

I just want to shout to the world that i love my paul.
I love my johnny cash, my paul cutchins. He has been there for
me through so much. I love him with all my heart. When he asked me
to be his girlfriend we were sitting up in a tree. He carved our
initials in that tree and promised me he'd catch me if i fell.
And he has always kept that promise to me. he told me he loved me that night.
He is an amazing person. Right now he is on a mission, serving the Lord.
I am proud of him. I want to tell him thank you for everything.
Even though he can't hear me say it and he wont be reading this any time
soon, im telling him thank you right now. And i'm telling him i love him.

**Morning HIke Up rock Canyon**

So sadly we didn't get any pictures of this wonderful hike we went on, so i will describe it to you.

The next morning lya and i woke up and decided to take a hike up rock canyon.
It was about eight in the morning, and it wasn't too warm or terribly cold.
We hiked up a trail and as we got into the canyon, snow began to appear on the trail.
Epic. I lead the way and lya held onto my jacket for dear life. She was scared she would slip and fall to her death. But i being heroic and brave didn't let that happen and let the way. It was overcast outside and a slight breeze was blowing. There was a blanket of fog slowly moving through the was so beautiful. Then it started to rain, just a slight drizzle. It was perfect. It was so peaceful and calm in the canyon. Lya and i hiked up to this cave and sat inside and watched the rain drizzle and the fog move. Fact? i think fog is the most beautiful thing. It is so peaceful and it demands to attention of people. That may not make sense to you, but i know what i mean. We had such a good talk about love and guys we like or have liked, yes we may possibly be hopeless romantics :]

Well all in all it was a lovely hike up into a dreary majestic canyon. Here is a picture of the canyon on a sunny day. so here's a challenge use your imagination. and imagine a drizzle of rain, a gray lonely sky and fog dancing through the canyon.

Lya Sleep Over! Plus a few little cousins.. : )

Little devon with his sword. Isn't he a heart breaker? P.s. if i had a picture of ange i would put it up. Just imagine the cutest baby and that would be ange :]

Lya-la making a funny face..she is awesome :]

So sometime..i don't remember when it was. My dear friend lya-la and i had a sleep over. It consisted of lots of junk food loud music. painting with our feet. Having fun. Talking about many things. And of course watching a chick flick. P.S. I love you to be exact. We had a grand time. And my two favorite (yes i know i said favorite, i can't help it..they ARE my favorites!) anyways, my two most very favorite little cousins came over. little devon and and ange. The are so cute. That night devon spiderman and peter parker. When i said hi to him he replied with, I am not devon! i am peter parker. I am spiderman. He is two. a red headed little ball of energy. I asked for a kiss he planted one right on my lips. He already knows how to work the ladies : ) Then little ange was content to make my share my goodies with her and stay on lap or in my arms if i wasn't sitting. She is so funny and cute :] I love them. It was a super fun sleep over. Lya is a crazy fun awesome person. I especially loved painting with my feet. It was grand. What a good night it was.

A Loverly monday trip to Subway && Borders

Well here is yet another thing i wanted to write about but havent till now.
I believe it was the last week of third term. I remember feeling slightly guilty about taking this much needed sarah nicole borders subway trip. I had much homework, but i decided it could wait because making memories with good friends is more important. here is the story.

Sarah came and got me after school. She drove. obviously. She showed up and i walked out to the car and got inside. Sarah was crying, she had been having a hard time.

IMPORTANT NOTE: It is so much more important to be there for your friend than to get that one thing done you wanted to..such as homework.

Anyways, she told me a few things that had been eating her up a bit. And i don't remember if i started crying to, but i told sarah somethings that had been eating me up as well. It was a good venting session and i loved it. Having someone there for you is a priceless gift. Everyone needs that someone they can go to.

Well we drove to one of sarah's favoritest places ever. Riverwood mall. I must agree that it is very nice there. We walked to subway and bought our wonderfully delicious sandwiches. Everything on it except olives and jalapenos. Nine grain for sarah and cheesy bread for me. We sat at our usual table and ate. yummy and satisfying. We talked about our men about life, future, blogging (yes we're both blog nerds) and about her favorite book. It is called the missing piece meets the big o. It is about well, basically being a happy independent person and about relationships and being a happy independent you. it is a great book. We sat in the poetry kids section of the store and Sarah read me her favorite book. it was grand. We had such a wonderful time and i am so thankful for my dear friend sarah. She is a wonderful person.


So the other day i was feeling slightly down.
i was thinking about how talented the people i know are.
My brother is musical genius and has the most beautiful voice.
My bestest friends have amazing talents as well.
writing music
playing piano

The list goes on and on. and i thought to myself what are my talents?

i can sing but im not a prodigy.
i can't play piano but i wish i could.
i don't have an eye for perfect pictures
and i am not a big yogi.
I dont sew or design...

All i could think of were things i couldn't do.
when i think of talents i think of the obvious ones.
talents like music
being smart
stuff like that and i i don't have that.

Once upon a time i was really good at playing the flute.
like really good. but i didn't have i slowly stopped playing.

I was an amazing gymnast but in fifth grade i quit because i didn't have friends there at my gym. And i got laughed at once when i forgot part of my routine..

I feel like i've wasted two talents i was given. Mostly though,i feel like i've
wasted my gymnastics talent because i did love that.

But why are we sometimes given a talent for something were don't have passion for..
i don't understand. i liked flute well enough, but i didn't love it.
maybe i should have just stuck with it. maybe i didnt give it a chance.
I'm not really sure..

But i realized something, i do have talents even though they're not the obvious ones.
I am:
a good listener
a good friend
i forgive easily
i love to learn
i am very aware of others feelings.
i am a helper
i can be a support to those who need it.
i can say what needs to be said
i write poems
i write stories
i am trustworthy.
i am kind
i am excepting.

Maybe these talents don't scream out to everyone like other talents do.
But they are still talents and even though i can't show off or say look what i can do, they are still talents. And i should be grateful i have them. And maybe i can work on developing a few scream out loud talents. I was told i have many talents beyond compare, but i had trouble seeing them, now i see a few and along the road of life i will find more.

...third term murder....ick.

ok so i know third term is wayy over!
but i still have a little something to vocalize about it.


stupid. lame. useless. poopy. third term.

well so i about died it was disgusting.
i was so overwhemled and stressed!
i couldn't handle it!

wanna know something?
i actually even had one day where i did not
leave the school till eleven at night.
isn't that unbelievable?

personally, i think giving that much work should be illegal.

well that is my rant about that poop of a term called third.


Saturday, April 10, 2010


So forever ago on my birthday sarah beara took me to yoga with her.
and i LOVED it. granted i haven't done much yoga since, i really loved it.
It was grand and can be described by the following words.

so as you can tell, i really did love it. but one thing i loved most
was meditating at the end. It was a whole new experience.
I felt like everything. every little stress. every worry.
it was all gone for that little bit. and i was so at peace.
I was in the room soft music playing sitting palms up on my knees.
my legs were crossed. indian style. and my face was slightly turned up.
my breathing even and deep. i was in my own world. it felt wonderful.
breath in with the good out with the bad. focus on letting everything go.
and i did. i thought and released. and relaxed. it was heaven.
it really helps and can be the best place to find peace within yourself.

Example? once upon i had a very hard day. i could not stop crying.
things were building up and i needed out. so i meditated and found peace
and solution to the things i coulnd't handle. It was so fufilling. Wonderful.

Meditation is good for the soul. try it. It is peace.

Ok sooo i have about a million unfinished blog posts...

Weeelll here it goes :]
this is MY attempt to finish the posts i only started..
but NEVER finished. I have many things
to write about such as:
&& HAPPY!!

OK so as you can tell we have quite a bit of ground to cover.
Here is the BIG question..
Are YOU ready?
I AM : )

Monday, April 5, 2010

Confusion and So many thoughts..

I NEED to get things out..
but sometimes i can't.
it builds up inside me
and screams inside but i can't..

I can't get out what needs to come out.
Especailly if i dont know what it is.
If I don't know whats screaming at me.
How do i get it out?

Today something is and has been building up..

The only way i can describe it.

Does it sound bad?
it feels not the greatest..

I have a confession.
i know EXACTLY what is screaming at me.
But i don't want to admit it.

So can i just write a letter to that screaming thing?
maybe it will leave me alone then.

Dear thing inside..
Please STOP trying to hide.
you leave me confused and aching.
sometimes it gets so bad i think my heart is breaking.
I thought maybe you left when i said goodbye.
Then you came into my life again just the other night.
breaking aching
confusing loosing.

lossing myself in the fight.
i want it even though i know its not right.
You make my world CHAOS every time you come.
Please just go away. let me run.
I said goodbye for a reason.
For a reason. for a reason.
I can't handle you
You take away my ability to choose.
I told you goodbye.
Please. leave me alone.
Just accept goodbye.
I need you to, cuz when you come around.
it KILLS me inside.

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